I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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