True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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