This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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