I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
