No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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