he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
