I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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