Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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