you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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