We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You took a bar mat shot.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
