come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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