he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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