I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
