I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
