how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
