4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
