You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
