Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
