Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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