My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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