at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize