Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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