captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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