At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
love makes seman taste better
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
