I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
