my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
