I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
