dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This house was built for laser tag.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
