the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how can u be prego again
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
