no, he came in my armpit
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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