you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
