you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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