you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
