WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
