the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
time to smoke my breakfast
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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