like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
