I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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