Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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