If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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