These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
