Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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