I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
