I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
