i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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