I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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