ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
