I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
