I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
