she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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