the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
