i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
