Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
