nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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