i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
