Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
