she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
