Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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