Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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