Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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