I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
the raccoons are back...
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